My darling Sonny

Finale

My dearest darling boy is gone.  He was put to sleep at 10.30am this morning after a few wet beds over the last couple of days which coupled with already regular faecal incontinence came our mutual realisation that we could no longer let him go on like that and wanting to stop things before he suffered more.

He has been getting weaker and slower, he has been a bit off his food but willing to be fed by hand which was very endearing. Mentally he still seemed the same though, it is sometimes so cruel that the body gives out before the mind, you feel like you are playing God.  I hope he doesn't feel that I have betrayed him, I want to think that I have set him free...

Yesterday I prepared a place for him in one of the barns.  The previous owners had a whelping box because they used to breed dogs.  I cleaned it out and rubbed lavender oil into the wood so it smelled beautiful, I found flowers and blossom from the garden to put on the bottom.

Today we gave him a sedative at 8am, but as usual  he fought it.  The vet was able to treat him in the back of the car, he took his last breath in my arms and I kissed him goodbye.

I laid him in the box with a candle and some red rose petals, I hugged him, for a long time.  In the next few days the Pet Crematorium will let me know when I can collect his ashes and he will be scattered on our field, where he will be next to me every day.

I cannot describe the pain of missing him here, there is such an emptiness in the house.  Holly took one look at him, sniffed and turned away.  It will remain to be seen how she gets on over the next few weeks.

Darling Sonny, I love you so much and miss you baby....

It's Spring

Sonny is getting slower and finding walking even with his whizzy wheels more of an effort!  Over the last few weeks he has managed the walk down the road OK but then found it quite hard going on the way back with the result that we have to pull him along.

Yesterday we had someone round so  to kept him and so as not to stress him, we put him out of the way  in his bed whilst we spent a long time talking with our visitor.  I could hear him whining through the door and at the time just thought he was feeling left out.  However, after the visitor had gone I found he had wet his bed.  This was a blow and an immediate worry that he is now getting incontinent both ways.  We already have problems with impromptu pooing.  Last week I discussed it with the vet but he thinks because Sonny is still happy to greet us, eat etc that we are not hurting him by keeping him going for a bit longer, I was beginning to worry that I had let him go on longer than I should, so this was a relief!

Sonny is so stoic about all his problems.  The really good thing is that he does not seem to know when he has had an accident, we think this is because the nerves in his back end no longer function, so he can't actually feel anything happening.  In the end these incidents are more upsetting for us than for him which is a good thing.

It's a beautiful sunny day outside today and he is lying out on the lawn.  Despite being a black dog he has always been a sun worshipper and loves to hog the heat which is completely mad of him.

The difficulties of having him now definitely outweigh the benefits and on some days I even look forward to the day when I won't have to do this any more and then I feel guilty, but in a way it's always been like this with having him.

There have been times when after yet another aggressive incident when we were out, we have felt we really couldn't cope with his behavioural issues any more. So his increasing infirmity is just another thing that he challenges us with, and I have to keep reminding myself that it is not his fault and he is entitled to as good a retirement home as I can give to our little old gentleman!

More news

I am shocked how long it has been since I last updated my blog.  I have not given up on it but the day to day issues of looking after a disabled dog don't make very interesting reading.  In my mind anyway and the behavioural stuff is definitely on the back burner in the face of his physical challenges.  However, since my last post we have had success with making him a cart.  We tried to get hold of a second hand version, not being sure how he would take to it.  However this  was not forthcoming so my partner trawled various websites and ended up making an ingenious version out of bits of plastic piping.  Total cost, I kid you not about £30, which was infinitely preferable to the £270 for the posh version!  Given our experience construction is not the end of it as many fine adjustments between dog and cart need to be made, with hindsight I think I might have spent an equal amount on postage if I had had to send the thing back to the manufacturer multiple times.  Much easier to have your own on site workman who can disappear into the shed and return with the adjustments made.  Service indeed for Mr Sonny!

You will not be surprised to learn that, Sonny was his usual  unpredictable self and defied us all when  he took to the cart like a dream and the first outing had him racing up the road, I even  had a struggle to keep up with him!  He even had even gave a passing dog a mouthful which I have not seen in him for such a long time.  Even though that is the behaviour we have worked so hard to eradicate it was actually quite an emotional moment to see a bit of his old spirit back.  It's quite a physical effort for him as everything now relies on his two front working legs and he gets very tired.  At least he is able to enjoy what life he has left and be out with his pack and we are back on the road again!

Another issue we are battling is his difficulty in controlling toileting which he has always managed well.  It is hard to tell if this is down to general loss of functioning or whether it is just that with his mobility problems it is hard for him to be in a good routine, that plus his advanced age, at nearly 13 years adds up to some unhappy accidents.  Despite this indignity he appears apparently unphased, as he has lost feeling in his hind end I wonder if he is even aware of it although I suspect his sense of smell would tell him if nothing else.  This aspect of his care is something I need to keep a close eye on.  Some people might argue we have already let him go too far, but I keep in mind that he eats and sleeps well, still has enough mojo to send the cat packing and that mentally he is all there (or as all there as he ever was that is). Ah I don't think I've mentioned the cat have I? I'll tell you about him another day....

Latest update

It's Christmas Eve and dear Sonny went for his last hydrotherapy appointment on Saturday.  We didn't know it was to be his last but they soon noticed that he was no longer moving his back feet in the water.  With no ability to be 'hands on' with him in the water as well, there was no choice.  We could not go on and the session was cut short.  It was very emotional as I have gained so much support from the staff team who have monitored Sonny so closely over the last 6 months..  I had a big sob on the arm of the lady who runs it and Sonny for the first time gave her eye contact and accepted a treat from her.  It was like he was saying thank you for all you've done for me!

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We are left with anything that we can do externally now, that means considering the possibility of a cart which we may be able to get second hand to see if he will take to it.  We are upping his pain medication and anti-inflammatories.  The vet is convinced he is not in pain and that is a bonus.

Ironically we can still run with him in the field at times, he can't go on for long, but whilst in full flow he sometimes has a big smile on his face and that is all I need to know that it is OK to keep him going for a bit longer.

We are having all our family with us this year for Christmas, I suspect it may be his last.  Let's make it a good one for him. 

Winter cold

It's a difficult time at the moment with Sonny, over the last couple of weeks he has deteriorated and become more immobile.  He has also been shivering quite a lot which can be a sign of pain.  After seeking advice from the hydrotherapy centre I phoned the vet who agreed it was time to give him some additional pain relief, Tramadol. It has helped a bit but I notice him having spasms in his front paws when he lies down.   These fluctuations in his condition are a daily part of our lives now.

Yesterday at the hydroptherapy session they noticed him being less able to place his rear legs even in deeper water which is supposed to give him additional support.  She said it might soon be time for someone to get in with him to keep him stable or he won't be able to do it any more.  Would he cope with it?

Yesterday he allowed her to put her hand on his side for the first time and looked up at her.  This is the first time in 6 months he has allowed this and she was almost in tears.  He is so fearful and takes so long to trust, it was a big moment.  I wonder how much longer he can go on, even how much longer I can as it is all so emotionally draining watching your dog go downhill slowly and silently without any complaint, without so much as a whine.  He is a very stoic boy and I love him so much, it is almost unbearable but I know that I must stay strong for him.

Does a dog need a driving licence?

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Sonny's condition continues to make his mobility increasingly difficult.  He has been collapsing more in the house although strangely seems to cope much better outside in the field at a run where he has more stimulus and motivation.  I had a long talk with my friend at Meadow Farm last Saturday and she has made me aware of a company that make wheeled cards for dogs  Dog MobileThe apparatus would have to be made to measure but if successful, it could give Sonny a whole new lease of life.

My main concern is his temperament and whether he will take to it, however he has surpassed all my expectations thus far so no doubt he may do so again.  There is no doubt that psychologically he is just as bright as ever, loves to run and chase the ball.  It is just his body which is failing him and he cannot understand why.  The times when I have to pick up the hind limbs which have become tangled or where he has slid into a sit which he cannot get up from are increasing.  He will also have occasional moments of being very steady.  It's all very weird.  We reassess him every day and adjust his levels of activity according to his needs.

I sometimes feel more like a carer than a dog owner.  I miss our long walks in the countryside, a great leveller both before and after work.  Maybe if I go ahead and order this thing we can take to the countryside again, how great would that be?  If I get it we can drop his hydrotherapy sessions down to twice a month (which will help the bank balance) but not to get rid of them completely as he needs to keep the strength in his front legs going.  I'm a bit worried that I'll pay out all this money only to find that he won't use it, but if I don't we know what the next step will be.  I wish I could ask Sonny what he would like me to do, it's at times like this you really wish you could talk to your dog, I don't know the ' Doglish ' for wheelchair cart so I guess we'll have to take the practical route and wait and see what happens!