Life Lesson

 I am the patience that you never thought you had

I am the fear that you felt would drive you mad

I am the ocean that you never thought you'd swim

I am the light that you never let grow dim

I am the tide that you never thought you'd turn

I am the lesson that you never thought you'd learn

I am the love that will never ever leave

I am the wisdom that says 'carry on, BELIEVE!'

I am the loyal, the defender and the brave

I am the life that no one else would save

I am the windy gust that whoops and wails and calls

I am sunlight glinting on the carpet in the hall

I am the heart that you can always call for help

I am the hope for when they faulter and they yelp

I am the velvet ears, the lick upon your nose

I am the rascal who could steal that food you chose

I am the gentle friend who's just gone out of sight

Don't look for me but I am there, I'm waiting,... it's alright

©­RB 18/5/13

My darling Sonny

Finale

My dearest darling boy is gone.  He was put to sleep at 10.30am this morning after a few wet beds over the last couple of days which coupled with already regular faecal incontinence came our mutual realisation that we could no longer let him go on like that and wanting to stop things before he suffered more.

He has been getting weaker and slower, he has been a bit off his food but willing to be fed by hand which was very endearing. Mentally he still seemed the same though, it is sometimes so cruel that the body gives out before the mind, you feel like you are playing God.  I hope he doesn't feel that I have betrayed him, I want to think that I have set him free...

Yesterday I prepared a place for him in one of the barns.  The previous owners had a whelping box because they used to breed dogs.  I cleaned it out and rubbed lavender oil into the wood so it smelled beautiful, I found flowers and blossom from the garden to put on the bottom.

Today we gave him a sedative at 8am, but as usual  he fought it.  The vet was able to treat him in the back of the car, he took his last breath in my arms and I kissed him goodbye.

I laid him in the box with a candle and some red rose petals, I hugged him, for a long time.  In the next few days the Pet Crematorium will let me know when I can collect his ashes and he will be scattered on our field, where he will be next to me every day.

I cannot describe the pain of missing him here, there is such an emptiness in the house.  Holly took one look at him, sniffed and turned away.  It will remain to be seen how she gets on over the next few weeks.

Darling Sonny, I love you so much and miss you baby....

It's Spring

Sonny is getting slower and finding walking even with his whizzy wheels more of an effort!  Over the last few weeks he has managed the walk down the road OK but then found it quite hard going on the way back with the result that we have to pull him along.

Yesterday we had someone round so  to kept him and so as not to stress him, we put him out of the way  in his bed whilst we spent a long time talking with our visitor.  I could hear him whining through the door and at the time just thought he was feeling left out.  However, after the visitor had gone I found he had wet his bed.  This was a blow and an immediate worry that he is now getting incontinent both ways.  We already have problems with impromptu pooing.  Last week I discussed it with the vet but he thinks because Sonny is still happy to greet us, eat etc that we are not hurting him by keeping him going for a bit longer, I was beginning to worry that I had let him go on longer than I should, so this was a relief!

Sonny is so stoic about all his problems.  The really good thing is that he does not seem to know when he has had an accident, we think this is because the nerves in his back end no longer function, so he can't actually feel anything happening.  In the end these incidents are more upsetting for us than for him which is a good thing.

It's a beautiful sunny day outside today and he is lying out on the lawn.  Despite being a black dog he has always been a sun worshipper and loves to hog the heat which is completely mad of him.

The difficulties of having him now definitely outweigh the benefits and on some days I even look forward to the day when I won't have to do this any more and then I feel guilty, but in a way it's always been like this with having him.

There have been times when after yet another aggressive incident when we were out, we have felt we really couldn't cope with his behavioural issues any more. So his increasing infirmity is just another thing that he challenges us with, and I have to keep reminding myself that it is not his fault and he is entitled to as good a retirement home as I can give to our little old gentleman!