It was an extremely hard day yesterday. I have been away for a few days so unable to do our usual session last week. As you know for those of you who are regular readers, gaps in training make my anxiety get worse. Yesterday was no exception. My other dog Holly was to be part of the picture today as Sally needed to assess the impact of 'Miss Diva' on Sonny's behaviour. In the morning she had been a little madam, being very pushy with me about getting into the car on her terms, so I was not expecting great things. However, she was in fact to be impeccably behaved throughout the morning. However, the gap in training, my work having been less than enthusiastic about letting me take yet more time off and the addition of another dog made me feel much more worried, now I have another dog to think about and Sonny has been very reactive to other dogs this week with me feeling quite frustrated with him that he has such a long way to go in terms of his desensitisation.
A spaniel, approaches off lead, Sally has given me clear instructions about situations like this, walk on, don't falter, the other dog will just fall into line and walk alongside or, give up and rejoin his pack. My unconscious fear works overtime and I find myself diverting off to the side, separating myself from Sally and Rocky who are forging ahead. It happens in an instant, the drive to avoid situations that I cannot cope with is stronger than the rational side of me that wants to help my dog and conquer my fear. Sonny does well, he has not reacted, better than he had been managing earlier this week, however Sally is clearly not pleased and makes a wry comment, I'm sure she means well, but as I don't tend to respond well to teasing, I slump further into depression about this brain of mine which still reacts so strongly to situations in which I need to feel strong enough to help my dog. Things are not going well today.
Further on some young people are mucking about with boats, we have swopped dogs by now, so Sally is taking Sonny forward, putting him up against his fears about close proximity to strange people and things. A man in a rubber suit holds his hand out to Sonny, it's a tense moment, there's not much more you can do after you've put a big yellow sign on your dog's back, warning people not to approach him! To my surprise he merely sniffs the man's hand and moves on. Again I think it's not that he can't be different, he just can't be different with me!
We talk about various options, putting him into various packs of dogs that Sally knows of, none of it sounds ideal and it would be a big thing to do, meaning he would probably have to be away for a few weeks. What if he reverted to type when he came back to me? It is possible, I've seen it on Cesar Milan several times where the owners simply have the wrong energy or, don't address the unwanted behaviour in the right way. These dogs usually end up living in Cesar's pack, but today if I thought he would be settled and happy, I think I'd let him go. What, me? Give up on my beloved dog? Now you can tell what sort of a day I'm having!
It's been a difficult morning, we agree enough for now. He is making progress but it's very slow and I am up against pressure from work with regard to taking time off for the training. I'm feeling hemmed in, frustrated, upset and angry.
A few days later and a good sob on the phone to my partner about how useless I feel and how Sonny would be better off with a different owner, I've picked myself up a bit. Maybe I need to look into doing something about this fear in a different way? Sally mentioned she knew a good hypnotherapist but I don't want to see a man and he's a long way from where I live. I decide to look closer to home. I discover someone not far from me and I go for my first assessment on Saturday. If she can help me with whatever it is I'm afraid of, maybe we'll get somewhere. I'll let you know how it goes...
